Mom guilt, we’ve all had it multiple times over. Whether we’ve promised our child something and it didn’t happen or gotten up set with our children. It’s the guilt that comes after in like waves from the ocean and washes over us. Sometimes the waves are small and just tickles our feet like the slow rise of the tide and other times the guilt can feel like at tsunami. It washes over us, consuming us, as if we were drowning.
While I’ve had episodes of mom guilt from time to time, this past fall I think I had my worst episode ever. It came over me like a tsunami wave, giving me that helpless feeling of drowning.
What triggered this specific episode of mom guilt you ask?
I had to pick a child.
Now with three children, picking a child is going to be a given. However its a territory we are still discovering in our house. With children now in elementary school, pre-school and one still under one, we are finding ourselves busier than ever. School events are rolling in, birthday parties are non stop its never ending. It’s a whole new world for us.
Mom Guilt 101; I had to pick a child
As a mom I want to be there for all my kids firsts. The goods and the bad ones. I want to be there for those first few steps, their first days of school, falls off their bikes, broken hearts, I want to be there for it all. To nurture it, embrace it, cheer it on and wipe tears. I’m a mom, that’s my job, that’s my heart.
So this fall when I had to choose between a child and which event I was going to attend, I felt broken. I wanted to be there for both of them but ultimately I could not. It was probably the worst case of mom guilt I have yet to have. And while he guilt didn’t creep up right away, it most definitely set in later that day. It washed over me, consuming me for the rest of the day.
Thanks to social media and the ability for us to post and share our children’s events both big and small I was able to catch snippets from the event I missed. While I was forever grateful to be able to see these pictures and video from the day, it lead to me feeling guilty for not being their myself. It wasn’t a first event or even a big event but that fact that I missed out on something my child was participating in made me feel guilty for not being present.
I felt guilty for not being able to be there. To watch them. To cheer them on. To support them. To make them feel that they were special. I felt guilty for not being able to explain why I couldn’t do both. Why I chose one and not the other.
“To nurture it, embrace it, cheer it on and wipe tears. I’m a mom, that’s my job, that’s my heart.”
I know in the future that there will be many more times that I have to pick a child, pick an event. Pick what I feel in my heart is the best interest for family. I just wish that it wasn’t so hard. So hard to explain to the kids that just don’t understand at this age. And so hard on my heart.